I am generally a positive person. I am well rounded, and most times I make the best of any bad situation. I am one of those people that sees diamonds in the rough, and treasures in the trash. I generally see the good in anyone, and any situation no matter how much it sucks. I like to laugh, and be positive. I choose to see the good in life. Even though I may be sick. I choose to find the good in my illnesses, and laugh about it. Yes there is good things about illness, and yes you can find things to laugh about. I just happen to have many things to laugh about.
I choose to flip the bird to people that whine, and are mad all day. People that let their illness consume them. People that can’t have a positive attitude, pull up their Granny Panties, and move on. People that think they are better than me. People that have lost the will to fight. People that are pricks. People that are mean to dogs. Prejudice people, bigots, and hateful folks. Don’t get me started on those twats that forget their kids in hot cars. The ones that forget their babies but not their cell phones. No Sir don’t get me started on those turds. I don’t have enough middle fingers, or a big enough stick for those folks!
The people of illness are no different than people in general. You have your people that are pist off about it. People that are indifferent about it. People that are thankful for it. People that do good despite illness making it hard to do so. People that are happy about it. Fighters, and people that never give up. Some people in the illness community amaze me. Some leave me stunned. With me yelling “WTF are you thinking?!” We are people all the same, and have many differences. Everyone is unique in the way they handle their illness. We only share some things in common. We share diagnoses, symptoms, doctors, and opinions. We are each unique in the way we’re created though. We cope with illness in a unique way. The same as life in general some cope well, some don’t, and many do a little of both depending on the day or certain situation.
Sick folks have lots of extras in our lives. Extra names assigned to us. Extra shit to carry. Extra things to remember. Extra places to go. Extra burdens to carry. Extra bills to pay. Extra creepy people to watch out for. Extra precautions to take. Extra dietary precautions. Extra medications to take, and lots of extra emotions. Those emotions come from all the unwanted advice from others, asshole doctors, careless family members, partners that grow tired of our illnesses, and the extra burdens we carry. Burdens of all the should haves. I could haves. The I need to. The I forget to, and the I didn’t do. I have many burdens I carry each and every day. Yet still I FORCE myself to be happy!
If I get an apple with a bad spot on it I cut that piece off, and consume the rest. If I cut my finger doing so I slap a Band-Aid on, and move on. Band-Aids make everyone feel better! Especially ones that are pretty! Well they did when you where 4 why can’t they now? I view life the same way. By getting rid of the bad in my life the good will shine through. If I have a bad day, and feel like hell I tell myself “well I am alive, and I woke up another day.” It’s not bad! Things could be oh so worse. Like I could be dead. But I am not so I will be happy about something. If I don’t get all the things done I wanted to I pat myself on the back for what I did get done. Don’t laugh I am super bendy and I CAN pat my own back. I can also itch it all by myself. This is just how I am. Most days this good attitude serves me well, and helps me fight day in and day out. But then there was that one day. This one time, and it wasn’t pretty!
What happens when the happy-go-lucky person is NOT so happy-go-lucky? What happens when all is doom and gloom in my neck of the woods? I would be a liar to sit here, and tell you people that I am happy 24-7. That I never cry. That I never get pist off. That I never want to place blame on others. That I don’t get down. That I never feel lonely. That sometimes I am not ashamed. It would be a huge lie to say that at times I am not an asshole.
Sometimes I say things I regret. Sometimes I get downright tired of being sick. Sometimes I loathe taking medicine, having a special diet, and all the other special crap I have to do. I get angry I can’t always do what I want to right when I want to do it. Sometimes it sucks always having to have a well thought out plan to go anywhere or do anything. I am not always right about everything. Sometimes I suck at being sick, and feel like a failure. I have days I miss what I could be doing that I can’t do any longer. Being able to do whatever I want right in the spur of the moment. I miss what I could do before. This happens to me! Anyone whom says is does NOT happen to them once in awhile is full of all things brown, and stinky. With tiny specks of corn, and Kiwi Seeds.
It’s okay to have a bad day. What is NOT okay is to have a bad day everyday. You have a choice to make your day a good one or to go ahead and let it be a bad one. Bad days keep us grounded. They remind us that life is not all candy, ice water, unicorns, rainbows, puppies, and kitties. But good days keep us going. They give us the will to keep fighting. To deal with all the stupidity we face in life. To not slap rude people, and to make good choices. To laugh in the face of all our hardships. Good just feels BETTER! But bad is necessary too, and yes even I have a bad day sometimes.
I feel people expect me to always be happy, carefree, strong, and funny. They look to me like I am some wise Yoda that always has a joke to tell, and a laugh to share. That I know all there is to know about EDS, POTS, and any other illness. This is an expectation that comes with big shoes to fill. Big HUGE Ronald McDonald clown shoes. It’s not going to happen people! I wear a size 3 shoe. A 4 at best, and a 5-6 sometimes because it’s the smallest fattest shoe I could find on the clearance rack. I cannot walk around filling your giant clown shoes people! I cannot be what I am NOT! Sure clowns are funny, cute, vibrant, and make you laugh. Some can do some pretty amazing tricks too. But so far the only magic tricks I have accomplished is to light my own fart. I have since been able to repeat this trick of magical wonder but hairspray will light a campfire. As a teenager once I packed 10 people in my Trans Am. The cops did not giggle with delight the same as I did at the circus when the clowns performed this stunt. Lets not forget though clowns scare the shit out of some folks. The sight of a clown makes many grown folks run away screaming “MOMMY” like a fearful 4 year old. Not something I want to portray! I don’t like to scare people unless they are doctors with bad attitudes. That deserve to be made to poop themselves.
I will keep on keeping on. I will keep on being happy. Seeing the good in all the bad. Counting my blessings. Thankful I woke up today. Appreciating all my friends and the family that accept me. Completing random acts of kindness. Being polite to strangers. Being the Mama my kids deserve. Being the friend my friends need me to be. Being a good partner to my hunny. Writing blogs to uplift you. Taking pictures to please you. I will do so with a smile on my face, and a joke in my brain. A joke just waiting to be told. I will be a laugh waiting to share it with you. Plotting my good deeds.
Then there was this one time……..the one thing happened to my cousins, neighbor, uncles, friend, bosses, baby daddy. Then he said, and she said and well it all just escalated form there. Then I heard “hey y’all watch this, and dude please hold my beer!” It wasn’t good folks!
Don’t mind me I will just be over here mumbling many words of profanity under my breath, and saying many out loud. Plugging in a movie so the noise of my kids won’t make my head explode. Today the “Mom Mama Mommy Mother!!!!” Is overwhelming to me. I am sitting here in my messy house. Eating whatever someone else cooks for dinner. Alongside my dog that farts. With my hair a mess, and my armpits a little rank. My legs are hairy, and my feet are dirty. I am feeling lonely and pist off! No one loves me. Everybody hates me. Guess I’ll go eat worms.
I am mad that illness costs so much money. Mad because it’s to hot for me to be outside today. Pouting because I would rather be at the river, but mad I don’t feel like going. Plotting…. Plotting all the ways I can be mad. All the people I can be mad at. Tallying up all the doctors that have done me wrong. Taking note of the family members that have turned their back on me, judge me, talk about me, and don’t like me. Missing the many friends I’ve lost over the years. Counting all the times I’ve been lied to, and all the opportunities I’ve missed. Making a list of all the things I DON’T have in my life. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome sucks! POTS blows! Mast Cell is like furry, stinky Donkey Balls! Intracranial Hypertension steals candy from babies, and Chiari is an asshole. My shunt is like a fat lady going through menopause. Everything is like fruit. The fruit no one eats soon enough and it attracts fruit flies. No not flies Dung Beetles. That’s it! Because all these illnesses are a bunch of HORSE SHIT!
Oh look a unicorn! A unicorn that is offering me a giant bag of Skittles. What’s does that sign he’s holding say? Free puppies and kitties? Don’t mind me. It’s been one of those days! Join me on my Magic Carpet Ride! Want some Skittles and ice water?